So, Dad..you’re divorced. Now what?
Whether or not your divorce ended with joint custody where both you and your ex-wife share all the financial burden or your ex was awarded full custody and the courts have put the blessing of child support on you, matters not to the lives of your kids. All they want is you and your positive influence in their lives. To pick them up from school, go to their sporting events, have a tea party, or push them in a swing at a local park. Remember this lesson: Quality time is QUANTITY TIME.
Most if not all young dads take the position of “burden” for their financial responsibility. However, many young dads struggle to meet their monthly obligations due to poor financial choices. Buying a new vehicle or a boat for example. The hard truth is many times these young dads have biases about the financial responsibilities because their parents divorced and his dad rarely if ever paid his child support and rarely exercised his visitation rights. So, the young dad has a skewed vision and does not have a clear head with respect to supporting the lives of his young children.
Young fathers tend to hold a grudge about the results of the judgment the court’s place on them with respect to the financial burden once the divorce becomes final. Your children have been stuck in the middle all through the fighting, doors being slammed, the cursing, and many times witness to parents over consuming of drugs or alcohol. They’ve witnessed their parents’ anger leading up to the divorce. They’ve been subjected to feeling helpless as their lives unravel along with their moms and dads.
Kids may sit in silence or stay occupied with an electronic device taking on the appearance of not to be affected by all the turmoil. Parents may misinterpret this behavior as strength. Don’t be fooled. Your kids are frightened. They’re scared. The are confused.
Disconnect vs Connection
From the day your kids were born, they have been developing a bond with other humans, especially with their parents.
Once their lives have been shattered through your divorce their lives will never be the same. Siting a study from 2011, statistically speaking only 43% of all child support is ever received from non-custodial parents, and dads make up 85% of the divorced community who are responsible for paying child support.
Women, on the other hand, make up only 15% of the population who pay child support but have a higher rate of failing to pay their child support to their kids’ custodial dads. Ratios of smaller numbers can appear disproportionate, which is true in this case.
The point is this…bonding and being present in your children’s lives is priceless. Yet parents who fail to pay child support tend to disengage with their kids…The parents who invest monetarily by religiously paying child support to maintain a consistent presence with their mothers and insist on being highly visible in their kids’ lives, these kids do better in school, make better choices within peer groups, and are less likely to fall into drugs. An article from Legalzoom states it in simple terms, “Child support and Visitation Rights are two very separate issues”.
The men who fail to pay experience dissonance with their ex’s. Are 85% more likely to drift into the abyss and the refusal or inability to pay starts off with 1 month, then 2, then 3, and next thing you know its been a year, 2 years…3,4.5… and men fall into shame and experience a total disconnect with their children. This type of dad has been labeled “dead beat” for a reason. The kids in this scenario are more likely to fall into drugs, do poorly in school, and have long term learning and behavioral issues. Are more likely to marry and divorce and so the pattern continues.
To little…To late…
Many men as they age do eventually come around. As their financial means improve and the courts begin proceedings by threatening jail, garnishing wages etc,. The guilt softens their souls and they reach out to their estranged kids, hat in hand and try and start dialogue. The success depends greatly on the kids’ age and other relational and geographical factors.
By now the damage is done. The dad will live in constant humiliation for as long as he lives. And his kids will never fully trust him and will always doubt what he says he will do. The cost will be immense for these fathers as he tries to forgive himself while his attempts to re-enter his kids’ life will be mostly in vain.
His kids will be aloof when he invites them to his home but will be receptive if wants to have lunch or something simple. His kids will always love him, like a dog who’s been abused by his master, all they ever wanted was to be loved and never was concerned about the car he drove or the size of his wallet. And like a beaten animal, skittish behavior under stress will forever be present. It’s a trust thing…
Conclusion
Dad’s…start now. Do not wait until late in life to be active with your kids. Step up and live the struggle along side your children. It’s not only your responsibility to financially support them, but it is indeed your privilege.
Trust me when I tell you mom’s and the courts will judge you less harshly when and if you miss a payment or two if you are doing your best to be involved on a regular basis and are not out there buying toys and living large. Trust me too when I tell you it will be tough to deal with an ex when you miss a payment but compared to the alternative of facing down your fears today will be less painful compared years later. The cost will double and it will never go away. As you continue to “sweep” your responsibility under the rug, what lies below will eventually grow into a mountain you will have to climb alone. And justifiably so…
For you dads who have young children and are living through a divorce…becoming a man takes hard work but less skill than you think. If you stay the course with your children, the world will find a way to protect you along the journey towards manhood. And if you are in your 20’s you are not a man…yet. You may have an idea and where a suit…but manhood is earned through years of gained wisdom and sacrifice. Whatever your choices are now you’ll reap in the future…make them wise.
As your kids help you grow, their love for you will mature like a mighty oak. If you are not involved with your daughter for example, and your ex remarries you will be sharing the aisle with her stepdad on her wedding day. If you have a son and you remain an oak in his life and be steadfast in your love, he will make time for you when his kids make you a grandpa.
All of your sacrifices throughout your children’s young lives will be worth every second and every dollar…Do the right thing
